Since Helen was born, we heard a lot about Dr. Ferber’s sleep training methods. Usually baby cries when she wakes up and in response, mom will comfort her by feeding her. The basic idea of Ferber Methods is that by the age of five month, babies no longer need night feedings and they should be able to smooth themselves in order to get best sleep. The only way that baby learns to comfort herself is parents let baby cry out and don’t comfort them; therefore, baby has to comfort herself. By crying out, it really means cry out – in the first training session, babies cry for one hour, averagely. And gee, to parents, the one hour is like in the hell. 

I am in the hell today. I once swore that I would never train my baby even though I never had a good sleep since Helen was born. I don’t mind getting up three or four time per night feeding her. It is exhausting, but also satisfying. Holding her in the arms, I feel privileged and blessed. Besides, how can a mom tolerate her own baby’s cry? Not even for one minute. The Ferber Methods is brutal and against human nature, as criticized by some people. However, understanding that good sleep is crucial to baby’s brain growth, I struggled. What if the training is good to Helen?

So I tried it. But once you try it, you have to stick to it. Five minutes later, I already regretted for it. Fifteen minutes later, I wanted to cry. I come to her every fifteen minutes and then left her alone. She cried for fifty minutes and fell to sleep. She slept two and half hours. When she woke up, she smiled at me, as if nothing happened. But I knew what I had done to her. I tried hard to make up with her—by feeding her with her favorite foods, playing with her, and holding her. Dear baby, forgive me.

I had to let her cry out again when she wanted to sleep at 9pm. It lasted 25 minutes --another torture for both of us, or all of us. I felt like a fool. I told everybody that it was good for Helen. Hey, it is a lie. I don’t believe it sincerely. I don’t believe in the theory. I just have to believe it. Otherwise, what am I doing?